The Bowl CUt

I decided to go to John Carroll University today to study biomechanics  I arrived in the library about 8:45ish and began going through my notes.  I was getting through the information at my normal tortice pace when I looked at my watch and realized it was lunch time.  I decided to head to Dave's cosmic subs and then to the quad to enjoy the nice day.  On my way back to campus I noticed a lot of little kids running around.  It was at this point that I realized they were having a summer camp.  I don't mind kids, I actually really like them.  I used to work with children so sharing the quad with them was no big deal.  As I was enjoying my sub I had two little boys approach me and start asking me questions.  I immediately began to panic, looking feverishly for their mother when she came up to me and said, "are they bothering you".  I replied no and at that point I noticed these two little boys had bar none the creepiest bowl cuts I have ever seen.  I wanted to take a picture for the sake of this blog but I thought mom would get wierded out. So imagine it looking something like this.

Why do we do these things to our kids.  Seriously who came up with the idea of the bowl cut.  How did it evolve into the mainstream and why do we continue to pepetually recycle this hair style for our toddlers.  It's time someone stood up and took a stand against the bowl cut.  I mean who was the genius whom came up with this idea. 

I began talking with mom.  She seemed normal enough.  We talked for about 20 minutes, by this time I started feeling comfortable so I said to her "what's the deal with the bowl cuts?"  She busted out laughing, which I found rather odd, almost unsettling and then she replied that she just does not have the time or patience to take them to the hair salon so she cuts their hair at home. I have to admit that I find it's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternitiy.

We continued talking for awhile.  She told me all about the boys.  She told me that she was a stay at home mom and it really was a full time job.  I said that it sounded like a pretty cushy gig.  I quickly realized that was the wrong thing to say.  She immediately told me chasing two toddlers around all day is extermely taxing.  She said that trying to clean up after them is like trying to shovel snow in a blizzard.  I said how hard can it be.  She said that she felt like a guinea pig in an experiment to show that sleep was not necessary to human life.  As we talked she constantly had to yell at the boys to stop fighting, stop spitting at your brother, don't give your brother a wedgie, don't throw grass in your brother's eyes, don't pull your pants down.....etc.  I started to become exhausted just listening to her.  It was at that point I realized what the bowl cut was all about.  It all made sense now, the bowl cut, the odd, unsettling laughter when I asked her about it.  Yes! Yes! it all makes sense.  You see mother's have to endure a lot of pain and sacrifices along the way, the bowl cut may just be a temporary haircut given to a toddler but the pictures and stigma will live on forever allowing the mother to embarass her boys at every major event along they way thereby giving her perpetual revenge for all of the pain these two boys have enacted on her.

 Now I know who the real geniuses are that invented this bowl cut.  So I say to all of you mothers out there, well done, Bravo!

Capital Punishment, not for the Germans anymore?

Woke up this morning and performed my daily ritual of eating rain bran, having awkward conversation with my neighbor followed by reading the newspapers on the Internet when I came across this gem of a headline on dailyindia.com,  Germany against capital punishment for Bhullar.  Germany, Seriously?  Since when has Germany become a leader in diplomacy?


Germany should look towards it's big brother in the West.  Of course I'm referring to the good ole USA where capital punishment thrives like a dose of the clap at a bikers rally.  Hell in Texas they are executing so many prisoners that they are in the process of erecting a ticking sign like the one in times square on new years eve.


Why do we call it capital punishment?  Well because it is a capital concept.  It's reserved for the ones we deem the worst of the worst.  Humans possessed of an evil so malignant, so virulent that their continued existence is an insult to the rest of us.


Let's be honest we all have an innate appetite for vengeance.  We always have.  No matter how many eons we place between ourselves and our cavemen ancestors, at the core we are just a bunch of primates with cell phones looking to crush those who threaten us with a fibula left behind at the mud pit.  It's time to go back to our primal roots.


Our critics say that we take capital punishment too far in the U.S. that it is not a deterrent.  Of course its not a deterrent, the police are a deterrent.  Have you ever been to Singapore?  You better not get caught spitting on the sidewalk while wearing a red shirt on a Tuesday.  


China is to Capital Punishment what the Italians are to pasta.  The Chinese will execute you for taking a hit in blackjack on 16.   


The problems with executions in this country is that they don't have any pizazz.  They just don't sparkle anymore.  We should make it a spectacle, Let's go balls to the wall.  We should get sponsors and make it a pay per view event giving all proceeds to the victims' families.  We could of had, The Kellogg's Timothy McVeigh Execution hour, hosted by Katie Couric.  Now that's must see TV.  


Let's bring back some of Capital Punishment's pomp and mystery.  Make the executioner wear a black hood.  Hire an MC to get the crowd going and let the prisoner beg for his life where the crowd gets to vote by a thumbs up or thumbs down vote.  


Hey I may be alone in my opinions, I know that I am just a single random ping pong ball in this great lottery hopper called life, but if history is any indicator, I believe the vast majority of people probably see it my way and I know the Germans in time will too.

The Skullet

My buddy Zach and I were recently having lunch at chipotle in Independence Ohio.  As were were eating our burritos I glanced up towards him and all of a sudden I saw his eyes bulge out of his head as if he saw the most mesmerizing thing known to man.  As a frozen smile appeared upon his face he said to me, "Phil look, 4 o'clock."   As I gazed over my right shoulder there it was plain as day, The SKULLET.

Now it has been a while since I last saw a skullet.  I'm thinking maybe 1989.  But after living in Cleveland for the past year or so I've realized that anything is possible.  Now, I'm sure most of you are well versed with the timeless classic the mullet, but as I've been finding in my research, not everyone is as familiar with the skullet.  The skullet is defined by Urban Dictionary as a descendant of the mullet generally worn by dirty old men. The skullet has a mullet-like appearance with bald scalp on the top of the head and long hair on the sides and back of the head.

One question comes to mind when this subject is brought up. Why?   Why would someone actually want to sport a common hair style of an online predator in which there is no hair on the top of the head, but long in the back (if you've ever seen to catch a predator then you know exactly what I am talking about).  Skullets seem popular among men in their mid 40's whom are trying to retain what they believe is style and babe-magnet attraction by compensating for forehead hair loss by growing an ever longer, and often curly back mullet.

In an attempt to discover where this phenomenon started or really to figure out what went wrong, we are going to have to go back to the 6th century Rome where Procopius of Caesarea recorded Romain mullet men in his publication “Secret History”:
“First the rebels revolutionized the style of wearing their hair. For they had it cut differently from the rest of the Romans…clipping the hair short on the front of the head down to the temples, and letting it hang down in great length and disorder in the back. This weird combination they called the Hun haircut.” Rebel seems to be the catch phrase that is associated with a mullet. Back then it was a rebellious act against a governing power. Now it’s just a rebellious act against looking presentable.

If you don't believe me or think that the mullet is just folk lore I encourage you to just stop by your local Wal-Mart and look around. If you don’t have a Wal-Mart don't worry.  You can always look for a trailer park, they have been known to produce large numbers of mullets/skullets. If that doesn’t work you can always go back to the 80′s, this is where most who have a mullet still reside. Also they can be found in most mug shot photos.

Apparently skullets are diverse.  I found two different kinds of skullets, the most common is the BULLET, someone with a mullet who is balding. The outcome is a forced skullet. This is understandable if you have a Camaro, listen to Poison and frequent Tractor Pulls.
The second is the most disturbing though, this is where the term originates. However it seems to me that it is the most uncommon. SKULLET,  someone that shaves their head (to expose the skull) but leaves the mullet. This means they actually walk out of the house in the morning (or evening depending on how many drugs they do the night before) and think to them selves “ Damn I look good enough to go outside today”. 

In the purest application, the skullet is actually a choice, as odd as that may seem to you and me, or a lifestyle if you will.  So to all you Zach's out there, remember the next time you see a skullet remember that the skullet is not just a hair cut but a way of life that we may never fully understand.

Other names for mullets/skullets
Neck Warmer , Long Island Iced Tease , Kentucky Waterfall , Mud Flap , Guido, Beaver Paddle , Camaro Cut , Sphinx, Doggy Door , Hockey Hair , and a female mullet is known as a Gullet.